sometimes I feel like this

The Impostor Syndrome, or Impostor Phenomenon, sometimes called Fraud Syndrome, is not an officially recognized psychological disorder, but has been the subject of a number of books and articles by psychologists and educators. Individuals experiencing this syndrome seem unable to internalize their accomplishments. Regardless of what level of success they may have achieved in their chosen field of work or study, or what external proof they may have of their competence, they remain convinced internally that they do not deserve the success they have achieved and are really frauds. Proofs of success are dismissed as luck, timing, or otherwise having deceived others into thinking they were more intelligent and competent than they believe themselves to be. This syndrome is thought to be particularly common among women who are successful in their given careers and is typically associated with academics.

It is rather unpleasant feeling, to be sure that you are fooling others into thinking you are good, but to have no confidence that it is in fact true. Obviously, I don't feel it all the time, but sometimes and it especially worries me in light of my chosen career path. I am freaked right out. I hope they teach confidence.

Kerria is reading a book called The Road, about the apocalypse (I think), and is frightening herself. She reads it immediately before bed and last night questioned me on whether I would eat her if I was desperately hungry. I said that I was 99% sure that I wouldn't, which I thought was pretty good. Apparently not. Apparently I am not allowed to eat her at all. The conversion continued into the next evening and we finally got things sorted - I promised that I wouldn't cause her demise so that I could eat and she gave me permission to eat her if she died of natural causes, given that I did everything in my power to ensure she survived. I think it is a pretty good deal.

Which leads me to: Holy Fuck! Apocalypse!

You know me (right?). I am a scientist. I heart science. And, moreover, I heart the ability of science to make everything right. Tippi tried arguing with me about how that idea was stupid and that our desire for the new, the better, etc. was insatiable and dangerous, but I brushed him off - I read the singularity (well, I didn't, but I get the gist), I know that science will be the one ring to rule us all (but, like, in a good way).

But now Kerria and her education are really getting me down. I stand outside, waiting for the bus and think "Wow, I would die really quickly if I didn't have a warm bath waiting for me at home." I am spoiled and weak and totally can't deal with things. I would probably fall apart. Occasionally, I imagine myself in the apocalypse and think that I would do well. I imagine myself building a commune, good at "things", natural. You know. But it is a pipe-dream. I need skills.

I talked to an "older person" and they told me that every generation has their fears of apocalypse, and this is true what with world wars and cold wars and depressions, but our problem, the whole drastic environmental change, is not human-fixable. Human caused, sure, but not fixable. We can disarm bombs but we can't restart the thermohaline cycle. And I am not sure we can live without it.

shnow

it has started to snow here ... it really takes me back.

I have a diary/sketchy-book thing. It is unbearably lame, festooned with things that were definitely not festoons, and includes plenty of lists, badly designed desks and clothes that no man or woman could ever possibly fit into as well as an occasional entry.

I made this diary/sketchy-book thing the first time I was in Montreal (2003?) and then did not use it again until I came back for the summer of 2006. It was weird reading the entries from the first time and realising that my fears, desires, goals (or lack thereof), etc. were pretty much the same. three years had passed and some of the new entries felt verbatim to the old entries.

I didn't feel the same, but when I wrote I apparently was the same. It was disconcerting but a little reassuring. I could be pretty sure that I was still me.

I am aware of it now and, like that dalmatian appearing in the splotches, I can't not be aware of it. It informs any personal writing I do - I always wonder if I am thinking the same and, being inherently contrary, it causes me to try and think differently. Or at least fake it 'till I make it.

The point: the writings were always about finding some purpose. I seem absolutely addicted to purpose, to moving forward, to tangible accomplishment. I hope one day I can not feel that way. can a goal of mine really be to become goal-less? is that allowed?

maybe goal-less is the wrong sentiment. maybe it is content where I am, rather than content in my ambition. endless streams of frailty make me question ambition. ambition may have failed us. but I so desperately want to go into space.

Done

After about 2 and a half months of applying and another 2 months of MCAT preparation, I finally submitted my last application. It was to McGill and in typical Matt fashion, was submitted at 11:54pm for a deadline of 11:59pm.

Right down to the line. Now, I feel much more relaxed. It is, to some extent, out of my hands. I have to interview still, but that seems less important than actually getting the interview.

Anyway, today I just wandered around, ecstatic in my freedom. I didn't do much of anything. I bought two pairs of shoes.

I also came across a major Christmas parade, forcing its way through the most busy shopping street in Montreal. It is, in case you were unsure, mid November. I had just wrapped my head around the Christmas decorations replacing witches on November 1st and now this. Woe is me.

I am sure the reason is to save the poor little fingers of the baton twirling elves, but still, they should suck it up for realism. Elves die in snowless conditions. It is their cross to bear.

The reason that I actually came on here is to discuss waving at parades. Why do people on floats feel the need to wave? How has this come about. In original parades, I assume based on pretty much no knowledge, were for famous people who had, you know, done something interesting. All people on floats have done is to be on that float. Why are they waving and why do we feel like waving back?

I think that people on parades should do their dancing and singing and whatever, but they should not wave unless they see someone they actually know in the crowd and only if totally necessary (waving to a single person in the crush of a crowd could lead to a misunderstanding, a returned wave from a confused bystander, prompting its own return wave from the float person, who is now some distance down the road and thus presenting the wave to a whole new set of potential mis-wavers. It could result in disaster. Actually, that is probably what always happens. A parade starts, someone in the parade recognises someone in the crowd, an errant wave results in mass waving that only ends days after the parade is over).

umm, yeah.

baa!

I feel a little sheepish.

feelings, nothing more than feelings

Originally Posted by LavenderDoll88

Is anyone else trying desperately to convince their loved ones that the test was impossible, they had to guess on half of the questions, and that they did terrible...... and keep getting the reply "You always say that, I know you did awesome." ????

No one understands the horror that was the July 24th MCAT.

I keep saying nooooo I know I always think I did bad on tests, but this time I REALLY did bad on a test!!!!! I'm the girl who cried wolf, and now I'm going to be eaten alive and no one believes me

now approaching midnight

Can I go on a rant? Thanks.

I spent a significant potion of my summer holed away in an increasingly disgusting room (psychologically disgusting more than dirty) memorizing facts about the body. To be fair, I found much of it quite interesting, but still ... summer. it is a time for reckless abandon, for adventure, for testing one's physical limits for doing and not doing.

but, okay, for the sake of my glorious future, I sacrificed some of my summer, but I did so with the understanding that my sacrifice would result in some sort of benefit.

Rather, coming out of the MCAT, I felt that the test could have been done with no outside knowledge. It felt like the test was completely different from what I was expecting.

I am a tad upset, but am not going to do anything rash until the results come out. Until then, I want my summer back.

More cliff jumping. more lakes. more abandon.

a resounding crash.

Via: VideoSift

posting with gremlins

i don't have much to say, but I certainly am freaking out ... which is always enjoyable. more on this later.

there was a fashion show a few days ago, at which I was tricked (yes, tricked) into performing. I expected to be one of a crowd, but with the exception of a group of semi-professional hip-hop dancers, I was the sole (i believe) person to do anything other than just walk (sashay?) down the 3 dents.

What was great, though, was that even though I was barely able to practice and even though I was surrounded by people that I could confidently assume were judging me (and my distinct lack of model physique) and even though there was a good chance that I was going to back step my way off the catwalk, I felt surprising calm.

Now, back in high school I desperately wanted to be in one of the plays but was completely unable to even try-out. My fear of being judged (and found lacking) was debilitating. So, what am I to make of my latest foray. As I came out into the crowd, Harmonkey's mom told me I should be in theatre. She seems to have a way of saying what people want to hear but I wonder.

My four goals, then: perform surgery, act in a play, design my own clothes, work for the UN.

those seem like achievable goals now.

good.

studying goes slowly. that causes the freakouts.

erg, spaggle-fook.

eep! its been months.

do not despair. facebook will loosen its hold eventually ... I'm sure.

anyway, we all know that summer causes electronic doldrums. Why post here when I could be in the sun, getting that all important vitamin D? that was rhetorical.

excuses, excuses.

well, if anybody is left:

i am reading an absolutely mesmerizing book by Stephen Lewis who was a UN special envoy on HIV/AIDS. He writes passionately about his time in Africa and with the UN as he tried to overcome the terrible bureaucracy of the organisation.

Anyway, it seems I have to cut this short but the fact that this one man is not afraid to face the problem of HIV/AIDS in Africa and the world is amazingly encouraging and inspiring.

whore.

I am a whore. why didn't I realise this before?

BRAINS!!!

chatting with k.gray this evening made me realise that I can be a tad argumentative. Also, I am very guarded with my opinions ... well, maybe just my true opinions ... I am completely not guarded about random and useful-for-the-argument opinions.

Actually, what may be more accurate is to say that two aspects of opinions serve to make me wary of discussing them. Firstly, some opinions are so obvious that I just don't want to talk about them - for example: "sex with prepubescent children is bad". I will argue against this conclusion if anyone brings it up just because I hate conversations where everybody is obviously on the same page.

The second problem is that issues that are not obvious are pretty much very complicated. I feel, in many situations, that I tend in one direction but I am not willing to become complacent nor dogmatic. So, I argue or pick holes and definitely choose the side of the issue that others aren't taking. I always thought it a good thing, a selling point, if you will. I was the guy who sought out the quirks of a issue, made sure it was presented fully.

But, I probably should present myself as the agreeable person I am. I mean, I usually agree with my friends. Sure, there are probably some good things about the seal cull, which I will certainly bring up, but in general I am against bludgeoning seals to death. Yeah, there is something to be said about higher education being made more inaccessible, which you can be sure I will argue vociferously for, but I really believe that education should be freely available. I'll write an essay stating that the point of human evolution is for us to go faster and harder until we build that fucking tower and shake God's hand, but I also really enjoy relaxing with friends by a lake roasting potatoes over a scavenged wood fire (the ashes scattered in the forest, of course). And, as time goes on, I appreciate the latter more and more.

Anyway, the main point of this is to say that I have become accustomed to being the foil and if it bugs you, just tap me on the arm and tell me that now is not the time for me to be pointing out the flaws in your premises and I will back off and just enjoy the sunset or baklava or whatever. I was enjoying it before, believe you me, but I can shut up so we can enjoy it together. But be aware that, every now and then, I may need to explore an issue in its minutia. This goes for all of you. Except my argumentative friends. We can continue on in the same vein until we are old and arguing about ... I don't know ... whether virtual reality is good or not (it isn't but I will argue that it is).

The conversation that K and I were having was about the 100 mile diet. The idea, which may or may not be a good thing in itself, is more important, as K pointed out, as a catalyst to encourage one to recognise the importance of food in one's life, to develop a sense of place and a sense of attachment to your food which nourishes and sustains you. It sounds hippy-dippy, and it probably is, but it sure resonated last night (it did, I swear K!).

That said, I thought I would throw a couple of links from metafilter, which is a community blog populated by people like me, about that issue, about how to improve one's relationship to food and about a recent article stating that even skinny people are fat . Then I can remain neutral and still get my kicks.

comments on the 100 mile diet
comments on the relationship to food
article
comments on the article

whoa ... neo style.

I finally opened the MCAT study book. Crikey! (damn you sam).

It is a massive amount of information to absorb, running the (science) gamut of chemistry, physics and biology. I expected to have to know much, but I was still a little shocked by what one is expected to have memorized.

Anyway, I should start studying about 4 hours a day. And just when I expected school and studying to be finished. blah. On the other hand, I love it. That, I guess, is a good sign. I am fixed on org chem right now, which is ironic(-ish) because I thought I hated that subject.

But this summer still will give me what I need. This weekend is a climbing trip to Strathcona that I am super pumped about.

Anyway, I need encouragement and plans. Give me both.

blast, damn, etc.

it seems that I have decided on montreal, for a whole year, starting in September.

The joy of that is that this summer is mine and mine alone. I may work, but I probably won't.

Anyway, all you west coasters who love and adore me should get their matt on very soon (although if all goes well I will be back in September). We can do the folloying this summer: camping, climbing, clamboring, canoodling, cloistering, cowering, coveting, (a)costing, cayaking, (c)hiking. Also, I am open to suggestions.

Suggestions people! I finish my last undergraduate exam tonight and then I am (somewhat) free. Let us experience the finest that the west coast has to offer, in all its bug-free goodness. I don't have a car, but I do have a bike. I want to bike to Whistler. who is in?

I also want to kayak the islands. Again, who is in?

Lastly, the ferry trip up the coast. Never done it, always wanted to. Who is in?

more. more more more more. I want to be tanned and healthy before descending into the bacchanalian drink-fest that is montreal. be crunchy before i turn pretentious.

understandable

woo. tired.

You know, I have often argued that choice is a strange bed-fellow. We all want choice, hate being told what to do, aggressively assert our desires and occasionally buy the walnut burger when we know that we like the regular veggie burger. Life on the edge, etc.

And, despite the upcoming rant, I do like choice. I think.

rant: fuck choices. fuck them outrageously. fuck signing up for a career. fuck paths. fuck hand forcing and fuck symbolic gestures. fuck mandatory exams and the agencies that (sometimes) provide them. fuck funding. fuck economic downturns and litigious societies. fuck dark windowless rooms and fuck iterative research. fuck student loans. fuck being afraid of not being able to pay for school. fuck deferrals and definitely fuck not knowing. fuck stretched out degrees. fuck limitations. fuck fine print. fuck salesmanship. fuck pretty binders.

okay, I finished my last class of undergraduate studies today and am fully sober. This is a bad sign. I feel ... uneasy.

I have so many good options and I am completely stressed out. This is the opposite of what should be happening. Options should relieve stress. blah.

Anyway, New York was good, marred slightly right at the end, but that probably had more to do with a lack of sleep than anything else. People were friendly, although we didn't have the mind-blowing, earth-shattering, radical discussions I expected. Still, I can imagine it would be a fun city to be in, especially once I found that free stuff. But, it was busy, pushy, focused and aggressive. Fine for a while, but for at least 3 years plus however many years of indentured servitude I would have to endure. And NYU was exciting. Full of people doing things. I like things.

Oh, who am I kidding. I am full of fear.

Deadlines approach and people expect me to tell them things and I just keep stalling while somehow concurrently increasing my options. Most recent idea: 1 year masters at UVic. Got offered it today. The prof thinks we can push it through. Yay! Options!

The natural history museum in NY is the most amazing place ever. I truly believe that one could spend a year reading every sign in that place and come out as well educated as any university graduate. Schools should set up comprehensive exams at the exits, multiple choice with scantron machines waiting and hand out degrees to hardcore New Yorkers who just want to learn "outside the system, man." These hardcore New Yorkers are apparently also hippies. We went and spent two hours checking out rocks before Colin pointed out that we hadn't even seen all the rooms on the first floor. Near closing time, we were literally running through the exhibits trying desperately to find the dinosaur room. Stegosaurus used those fins for heat dissipation, not protection. And there was a big note about how we don't know the colour of dinosaurs, so now I imagine them in terrifyingly vibrant colours trying to hide behind shrubbery. Pink Rexs hunting bright blue beasts. No more subdued natural colours for you, suckers. Colin is still mad that we looked at rocks for so long. my bad, sorry. Why were dinosaurs so big? Someone explain that aberration.

I have much more to say, but it in midnight and I must sleep. I will rant more later.

Wait, something good (besides the obvious: communists):

I love my volunteer job so much. I love interacting with people I normally wouldn't have a chance to. I love hearing the students say "I hadn't thought of that." I love when I see one of them sat at the edge of their seat absorbing what the professor is saying. I hate saying this sometimes, because it makes me feel like an entitled jerk (I have a definite belief in respecting ones elders, wisdom and all that), but I really like helping people learn. Education, dudes - it rocks. And yet, I have no real desire to be a teacher. Well, maybe a small desire to be a teacher. which is another big reason why I shouldn't go to various law schools.

nervous

very nervous.

but baby is cute (youtube).

to be fair, the baby did come into contact with kryptonite during birth. I was bound to lose.

late

jebus. it is late. encore.

I am in the middle of a hectic time, mainly because I decided to compact all of my classes and assignments into two weeks instead of a leisurely three so that I could head out to New York and figure out if NYU will be intellectually rigorous enough for me! That and I couldn't pass up an almost fully subsidised trip to NYC.

The upshot is that my last semester of undergrad is turning out to be uber-busy. Love it.

This week consists of finally finishing my program (which I shunted into a 498 class - my only 400 level class in 6 years of university!), after just recently figuring out the problem that had plagued my supervisor and me for a few days (I emailed my supervisor at 11:13pm to advise him of my success while he was concurrently emailing me to send his regrets!), and writing lab after lab after lab. I will be avoiding the "final pub crawl of my undergraduate career," as is often exclaimed by my wide-eyed fellow students, so that I can finish all this stuff. Of course, I may still meet the crew later just to revel in their drunkenness.

There are a few other things going on, interviews and the like, so I am trying to learn french this weekend as well.

On a much more pleasant note, I finally got out on the water this past weekend. K came out and, on a spur of the moment decision, we decided to rent a boat to row around in the harbour. We wanted to go friday evening but we were too late, so we booked ahead for saturday afternoon at 1pm. The day started out dreary but bright and we convinced ourselves that the weather would conform to our desires. At 12:59, totally appropriately, the rain started falling, slowly at first, taunting us, before pouring down mockingly.

I think I may have yelled (just a litte) and perhaps cursed someone or something. We ended up huddling under the tiny canopy at the marina debating whether we should go or not - the employee suggested no. We wavered but our adventurous spirit prevailed ... we would go out for 1 hour (instead of the planned 3), freeze to death, get completely soaked, return miserable but triumphant in our sneering at the element and then tell all our friends that it was totally worth it! The 4 of us (harmony and alan came too) boarded tentatively and, paddles knocking against each other in a distinctly non-rhythmic pattern, we steered into the harbour avoiding watertaxis as best we could. Success! The rain stopped soon after we got out in the water and we called the marina to extend our trip - no one hour pathetic circle ... we were going on a three hour tour.

We found an island and I know where you think this is going. We had our own Ginger Grant, so we decided to send Alan (Gilligan?) onto the island. He stole a flower and angered the natives. It started to rain again. Correlation or causation? What more can an angry spirit do than cause rain? We bailed, bailed, bailed, drank beer, ate food, struggled vainly against surging rapids, and, against all odds, discovered ourselves. It was a teen dream cruise. So much sex.

And at the end, we totally tried to chase and board a watertaxi. The occupants looked frightened ... or maybe happy ... some emotion that involved showing teeth. Anyway, I just note this to show how much we changed in those three hours. When we first came out we were sheep, fearful of taxis and their terrible wakes. At the end we were sharks. Watertaxi chasing sharks.

god it's late.

Alors, parce-que en seulement 5 jours je devrai parler avec deux Quebecois au sujet du gouvernement, je finirai cette lettre en français. J'espere qu'il tu as rendu heureux.

K: any good?

merde.

now you know ... you big baby.

from here:

As onions are sliced, cells are broken, allowing enzymes called alliinases to break down sulfides and generate sulfenic acids (amino acid sulfoxides). Sulphenic acids are unstable and decompose into a volatile gas called syn-propanethial-S-oxide. The gas dissipates through the air and eventually reaches the eye, where it reacts with the water to form a dilute solution of sulfuric acid. This acid irritates the nerve endings in the eye, making them sting. Tear glands produce tears to dilute and flush out the irritant.

most definitely, jeeves

what an enjoyable week (with a few unenjoyable moments)

I was brought to toronto to check out the law school here, just to get a better feel for the school, the faculty and the other acceptees. It seemed amazing, and although the other admits seemed a tad awkward at times, the upper year students were amazing, so there is hope for law school kids.

The facilities are interesting, ranging from lectures around a dining room table to bunker style bathrooms. But, all of the badness of the facilities is mediated by the fact that Trinity College (woe is me!) is nearby and has a working fireplace around which you can study. As some of you may know, studying around a fireplace in a castle type building is actually all I wanted out of my university education.

Spent most of my time in toronto getting drunk, which was nice. I wandered down to Waterloo to visit some old friends on friday, went to a back to the future party, and they spent saturday cross country skiing. It was so gorgeous and surprisingly fun. If all goes well, I may be going again on Sunday, skiing through Manning Park.

Most of my friends are very anti-law school (with the exception of jon and colin, who are in law school) and none more so than some of the folk in Toronto. So, I was taken to the hospital to do a little shadowing with one of my doctor friends. It was amazing. Exciting, intellectual, collegial, and with research opportunities. I think I know what I want to do, but it is occasionally so tempting to follow other interesting paths. that said, medical school may be impossible due to a complete lack of MCAT testing sites. damn.

anyway, flying back to vancouver today, which should be its own slice of awesome.

as a precursor to posting the essay ....

my favorite song that involves star trek:

waste time?

Well, I must say that I really enjoyed this:



And this is still funny.



and this is what might happen to me:



flat beat

and they said it couldn't be done

So, in the mail today I found a large package addressed from NYU.

"Large package!," I exclaimed, "I know what that means."

and, indeed, I did. I am accepted into NYU School of Law, and all of the associated benefits of that. I don't know if I will go. I was also accepted to University of Toronto Law School so if I choose the law school route, it may be better to stay in Canada.

But what is exciting is that NYU is, by most rankings, is the 5th best law school in America (after Yale, Stanford, Harvard and Columbia) and I was accepted after having written an essay that talked about what a strong influence Star Trek had on my life.

Ain't that great? Star Trek to Law School. I am extremely pleased with myself right now.

all that is good

sun was out in force yesterday.

I stumbled out of my exam, looking desperate and bearded, disheveled and hungry. I expect the drearyness to bring me down, to crush heavily on me but rather I was greeted by a cloudless sky. It is the first cloudless sky I have seen in a long time. I searched for clouds. There were none. zero. cloudless.

So, i threw on my headphones, put on some agressive opera and went on an incredibly enjoyable bike ride.

back in van encore this weekend, if any of you want to meet up. It is my sis's b-day on saturday. wanna go drinking?

this article seemed appropriate.

and these seem like great ways to figure out what mainstream shows you just have to go to: iconcertcal and sonicliving.

whoops.

I recently received an email from a friend that I worked with in montreal who said:

Matt, congrats on the law school acceptance. Which school? (I think you'd be a good lawyer. Reason? You convinced me to start littering and it stuck with me for a WHOLE month. That's pretty impressive given my short attention span.)

That is pretty funny. I was just spouting off some ridiculous argument while bored at lunch (I also once brought a soft-core romance novel and read the sexy parts out-loud for the entire lunch ... I got very bored with some frequency), that one should litter because hiding litter is worse for the environment, and someone actually littered for a month.

boo ya.

you know what this does? it convinces me to continue to bullshit. possibly even bullshit more. think of the potential benefits ... for me ...

squids!

The giant squid, which until recently had not been observed alive in its adult form, is the largest invertebrate; although it is possible that the colossal squid is even larger.

who names these things?

Oh, oh! (an adventure in government, you fools!)

Hon. Stéphane Dion (Leader of the Opposition, Lib.):
No, Mr. Speaker, it was booked. Everything was booked and everything was cut--

Some hon. members: Oh, oh!

The Speaker:
Order. We must have a little order. The Prime Minister is not going to be able to hear the question. I think it is directed to him. We must have some order so we can hear the question and then get an answer. The hon. Leader of the Opposition has the floor. We will have some order, please.

Hon. Stéphane Dion:
Mr. Speaker, everything was booked. I know the Conservatives are very ashamed of what they are doing--

Some hon. members: Oh, oh!

The Speaker:
Order. We have to get on with the question. The hon. Leader of the Opposition will want to put the question.

Hon. Stéphane Dion:
Mr. Speaker, beyond these figures, does the Prime Minister not realize that he is hitting students, the homeless and adult literacy programs? Does he not realize he is hitting Canadians with these cuts he is trying to hide from them?

Right Hon. Stephen Harper (Prime Minister, CPC):
Mr. Speaker, he says they were booked. As for that $40 million missing in the sponsorship program, I am hoping that somebody over there will get booked as well.

These are things the Liberals promised the Canadian people for 13 years and never delivered.

[French]

Their record is an empty shell.

[English]

They are an empty shell. They have nothing to offer other than to promise the same things they failed to deliver before.

Hon. Lucienne Robillard (Westmount—Ville-Marie, Lib.):
Mr. Speaker, the minority government continues to display false transparency. First, the Conservatives cut $1 billion from programs for Canadians without ever assessing the effectiveness or pertinence of these cuts and without assessing the programs. Now they are making further cuts, which the government tried to slip under the radar in the recently tabled economic and financial update, without saying a word about it.

Can the Prime Minister tell us why he hid the truth from all Canadians?

Some hon. members: Oh, oh!

An hon. member: Calm down, you fools!

full circle

I don't want to parrot the thoughts of our friend on commercial, but the weekend was definitely excellent. I seem to be attached to vancouver, so I guess it is fortunate that I learned early how to read on moving vehicles.

Saw body worlds, which was absolutely amazing. I wanted to touch everything, to get inside the bodies, to move them and watch the muscles tense, to put food in and watch the process. I can see how this desire leads to dehumamization, and I was aware of a certain oddness in how I was treating people around me after the exhibit. I wonder how far the dehumanization can go. I worry a bit about this.

I sometimes think that my motivations are very misunderstood or, more likely, completely unknown. Why am I applying to law school and taking my med school pre-reqs?

There is a strong part of me that very much wants to divest myself of everything, move to the fringes of society, embrace the joy of intense simplicity. But I don't. I very much do not want to become part of rat-race. Certainly have no desire to spend my life trying to keep up. I am not especially fond of being judged (although I am fond of being told that I am great).

I have narrowed it down to 4 things: order, breakdown, ozymandius and logical extremes. I will expand on these later.

It seems that a good chunk of us recent, or soon to be, graduates are experiencing a bit of a life issue. Suddenly we have been thrust out of the educational womb and are realising that there is a real world. I have just been told that I have no idea what this is like, but I think that many forget that I did my real-life-learning pre-university. I didn't stamp mortgage papers and live with the Gypsies (two separate events) for naught. No, I was seeing what real life was like. When I let my acceptance to U of T lapse I was really in the real world. I assumed I would go back to school (but so do many of you), but it wasn't set in stone. I was wandering aimlessly too.

A huge issue for me is exploration. I don't believe in an afterlife, I don't believe in reincarnation. I think this is what we got. And so I feel like I must experience as much as possible of it. From this stems the order I spoke of. I want to work hard now, when I can, to get myself access to institutions that will soon be off limits. I could become a docter at 50, but it is would be difficult. But at 50 one can still kayak their way around the world. This doesn't mean that I don't want to kayak around the world now, because I do, but I won't if it precludes me doing things that I need to do to see the world from interesting places.

Of course, all of this thinking about motivation has made me value even more the power of experience, so I will be sure to take advantage of the beauty of nature. If any of you want to join me for a week long kayak trip up the coast of BC sometime this summer, I would totally be in.

Logical extreme is the fact that I do unto others. The system we have now, the reward system sure ain't great, but it is better than what we had before. Sure, it would be great if communism worked, but it doesn't. This was another point of the biological talk: Can society can convince everyone to be nice? Are our existences are made better by the establishments we construct? Anyway, I am not willing to have the establishment collapse at the moment, therefore I must continue to act within the establishment. It is only fair.

breakdown is perhaps the strongest reason I have for my actions. Science I studied to stop the breakdown, but there are better people than I for that job, people who are interested solely in research and not is socialising. Law I would do to work my way into government where I could bring about the change I wish to see. Doctors are needed, especially if things collapse.

ozymandius is what it is. I can't break easily out of the desire to do SOMETHING, regardless of how many nihilistic people tell me it doesn't matter. It also doesn't hurt, especially since my view of the THING is to decrease our footprint.

in conclusion, Chris Nohr.

in double conclusion, things are never what they seem, blogging is ridiculous, reasons are in flux, the outcomes seem to be the same, and things go full circle.

and now we know ...

The lungs before birth are completely collapsed, and so the
first breaths must inflate the lungs and open up the small
air sacs called alveoli, which are the actual site of oxygen
transfer to the blood. During the last trimester the fetus
starts secreting a fluid called surfactant into the alveoli.
The surfactant lowers the surface tension in the alveoli and
makes it easier to inflate them. Inadequate surfactant
production is one reason why premature infants often have a
much harder time breathing, and they may be given artificial
surfactant or cow surfactant to help them until their own
lungs start producing it. Premature infants also often have
another problem with breathing called apnea -- they
occasionally forget to breathe. For unclear reasons their
respiratory centers are not yet mature enough to control
consistent and continuous breathing.

I have been hanging out with too many babies. There were two at the potluck last night. Two whole babies. babies.

weeeeeee!

oh no!

christmas is over. school commences again tomorrow and I am suddenly feeling very tired, the stress of relaxation catching up to me.

the holiday was rounded out by a very nice trip to pender, with sam, tippi and kerria. we got drunk and watched simpsons and argued over board games and did some hiking. Tippi and I, after being ditched by the girls, went hiking along a small spit which turned out to be one of the most beautiful places I have ever been. It was a gorgeous forest surrounded by a rocky coast and the view was of the various gulf islands and the ferry terminal, which many may not find beautiful, but I love the ferries and watching them sail in just added to my perceived beauty.

On pender we ate like kings. My plan to cook more is working out wonderfully. I made artichoke, roasted garlic, spinach and zucchini pizza on the first night, then sam made stuffed peppers and crumble stuffed apples. Back in victoria, kerria and I made a meal with red broccoli and squash and peach crumble. I can't really afford to eat this well, but it is damn good. Although making crumble is pretty easy. Has anyone ever become sick of crumble?

Had a long talk about biology and realised that I really believed that biology informed all of our action, that society and its pressures stemmed solely from biological pressures and that we were powerless in the face of these pressures. After a somewhat stressful conversation, I am not so sure. I know that I harp on incessently about agency, and I certainly believe in agency, but a psuedo-agency, whereby one's biology forces one to make a certain decision while one believes themselves in control. This is not necessarily an urgent pressure - rather, it is a slow process, similar to waves breaking rocks into sand. One can make "socially conscious decisions" but ultimately the power of biology would win. This is what I thought, even if I hadn't fully fleshed it out. Anyway, I am going to try to flesh it out more, without pissing off the people who are willing to discuss it with me. The upshot of the argument, by the by - the main point of contension - was that men and women may think differently and do so not because of social pressures but because of biology.

The theory is admittedly convenient because it partially excuses socially inappropriate behavior.

watched Hotel Rwanda. gah. was angry at the western powers for withdrawing but couldn't figure out what an army would do in the face of genocidal hatred of a large population by another population. Large scale relocation? massive protection of a refugee camp? I haven't looked it up yet, but can someone provide an example of when an army was able to stifle genocide, when that army was not interested in being partisan or contributing to the death count. I also was a tad disappointed that the movie was so one-sided. I believe that the bloodshed was directed both ways, although I may be missing some of the subtleties.