the uninhibited grace of a dirty squirrel

well kids,

I have spent an extremely unagonizing weekend analyzing the future. I, perhaps, have too much time on my hands. For now. It will undoubtedly change.

I did go out on Friday, which some of you may be happy about. But it may have been a one-off event. It was fun, definitely, but I need a more solid group here. I made a friend who ended up being from Toronto and is totally useless here. If I had realised that earlier I would have focused my friend-making energies on more local people. I did chat with one french guy who had some interesting things to say. I will likely look him up, but he is a ridiculous womaniser (like all french people) so I will not be able to do any sort of bar scene with him. It is just annoying. Making friends with people not directly related to what you are doing is an interesting problem. Much harder to do than expected, although there is definitely an issue of time. I am only here for 3 more months. If I had longer I wouldn't be worrying.

We ended up at a terrible R&B club. I would have left immediately but I found, and thrived in, the marginalized techno section. I don't know how people dance to R&B. One guy had his fingers in his mouth and was pulling down his bottom lip so as to bear his teeth the entire time, which I equated to that terrible "brush your shoulders off" fad. Perhaps someone could enlighten me to why he was doing it. The rest of the people were slowing grinding or trying to dance excitedly to music which didn't encourage excitement. I like listening to rap music, on my own, but I cannot dance to it. Too slow. Repetitive but slow. Repetitive and fast is golden.

My hair is too long for dancing.

My roomate was supposed to take me out last night but I have decided that he is going to be totally useless on that front. Bastard.

Anyway, I seem to be heading down a path towards law school, although I fight it at every turn. My main google searches are along the lines of "lawyers canada hate lives" and "tired of being a lawyer." Still, for the people that like it, it is certainly liked. And I assume I would be a great lawyer. I enjoy arguing. That is enough, right?

The other options are all great but will take time and I am feeling paralyzed by age, which is retarded but the truth. I am pretty sure I will be the oldest undergrad from my high school class (not including those who went back for a second degree). I have done a fair amount since high school and was not discouraged by my status until the love affair with chemistry died (which it did somewhat suddenly in a jellifying experience at godfre's house - sorry godfre, I didn't mean to become jelly). Now I have spent a good chunk of time (and am still spending that time) doing something that bores me. I can only imagine how this feels to career changers in their later years. It must be horrifying and exceedingly difficult to get out.

Luckily, all is not lost yet for chemistry. I always knew that I was interested in computational chemistry but my last two work terms, in an attempt to "branch out," have not been in that field. The boredom may be a result of that. Next semester I will be going to Montreal to work at Merck Frosst in computational chemistry and I am still excited to go there. I am hoping it will reinvigorate my desire to do chemistry.

And I have sorted out all the requirements to go back to school and prepare myself for medical school, which is where all my premed/med school friends say I should be. Of course, they may tell everyone that being in love with their chosen profession. This plan is the most tenuous of them all. At least with law school, if I do well on the LSATs I can be somewhat assured of acceptance.

Med school? forget about it. I assume I would interview well, but all the people I know who are med school bound are at least as awesome as me, if not awesomer. The odds (although I hate calling them that) of getting an interview are small. The odds (now I feel better about the term) of getting in from the interview are still small. It is ridiculous how much is based on the interview (well that is not true, it is important to get a feel for a person outside of what they are able to write in their PS). People have off days or the admissions folk you get could just not like you while different admission people could have needed to have your babies.

Of course there is always furniture design and the clothing store (my dad was not happy about the clothing store idea and therefore that is the path I should probably pursue!).

Now, while this may seem like a ridiculous number of potential paths (and I have not yet mentioned psychology, applied chemistry, architecture school, actuarial science, dentistry and international business - all of which I have looked into.) it is unfortunately completely consistent with my frustrating, frustrating personality. My undergrad is just as scattered: started in business, moved to chemistry and philosophy, finishing in chemistry and economics.

I want to be a renaissance man. I have no desire to focus. In fact, it is anathema to me. I don't want to do it. Of course, I am coming to the realization that it is somewhat impossible. Perhaps journalism would give me the breadth I desire. Add it to the list. I have a certain amount of potential which I am determined not to squander. And I am in the process of figuring out how to do that.

suggestions would be most welcome.