nervous

very nervous.

but baby is cute (youtube).

to be fair, the baby did come into contact with kryptonite during birth. I was bound to lose.

late

jebus. it is late. encore.

I am in the middle of a hectic time, mainly because I decided to compact all of my classes and assignments into two weeks instead of a leisurely three so that I could head out to New York and figure out if NYU will be intellectually rigorous enough for me! That and I couldn't pass up an almost fully subsidised trip to NYC.

The upshot is that my last semester of undergrad is turning out to be uber-busy. Love it.

This week consists of finally finishing my program (which I shunted into a 498 class - my only 400 level class in 6 years of university!), after just recently figuring out the problem that had plagued my supervisor and me for a few days (I emailed my supervisor at 11:13pm to advise him of my success while he was concurrently emailing me to send his regrets!), and writing lab after lab after lab. I will be avoiding the "final pub crawl of my undergraduate career," as is often exclaimed by my wide-eyed fellow students, so that I can finish all this stuff. Of course, I may still meet the crew later just to revel in their drunkenness.

There are a few other things going on, interviews and the like, so I am trying to learn french this weekend as well.

On a much more pleasant note, I finally got out on the water this past weekend. K came out and, on a spur of the moment decision, we decided to rent a boat to row around in the harbour. We wanted to go friday evening but we were too late, so we booked ahead for saturday afternoon at 1pm. The day started out dreary but bright and we convinced ourselves that the weather would conform to our desires. At 12:59, totally appropriately, the rain started falling, slowly at first, taunting us, before pouring down mockingly.

I think I may have yelled (just a litte) and perhaps cursed someone or something. We ended up huddling under the tiny canopy at the marina debating whether we should go or not - the employee suggested no. We wavered but our adventurous spirit prevailed ... we would go out for 1 hour (instead of the planned 3), freeze to death, get completely soaked, return miserable but triumphant in our sneering at the element and then tell all our friends that it was totally worth it! The 4 of us (harmony and alan came too) boarded tentatively and, paddles knocking against each other in a distinctly non-rhythmic pattern, we steered into the harbour avoiding watertaxis as best we could. Success! The rain stopped soon after we got out in the water and we called the marina to extend our trip - no one hour pathetic circle ... we were going on a three hour tour.

We found an island and I know where you think this is going. We had our own Ginger Grant, so we decided to send Alan (Gilligan?) onto the island. He stole a flower and angered the natives. It started to rain again. Correlation or causation? What more can an angry spirit do than cause rain? We bailed, bailed, bailed, drank beer, ate food, struggled vainly against surging rapids, and, against all odds, discovered ourselves. It was a teen dream cruise. So much sex.

And at the end, we totally tried to chase and board a watertaxi. The occupants looked frightened ... or maybe happy ... some emotion that involved showing teeth. Anyway, I just note this to show how much we changed in those three hours. When we first came out we were sheep, fearful of taxis and their terrible wakes. At the end we were sharks. Watertaxi chasing sharks.

god it's late.

Alors, parce-que en seulement 5 jours je devrai parler avec deux Quebecois au sujet du gouvernement, je finirai cette lettre en français. J'espere qu'il tu as rendu heureux.

K: any good?

merde.

now you know ... you big baby.

from here:

As onions are sliced, cells are broken, allowing enzymes called alliinases to break down sulfides and generate sulfenic acids (amino acid sulfoxides). Sulphenic acids are unstable and decompose into a volatile gas called syn-propanethial-S-oxide. The gas dissipates through the air and eventually reaches the eye, where it reacts with the water to form a dilute solution of sulfuric acid. This acid irritates the nerve endings in the eye, making them sting. Tear glands produce tears to dilute and flush out the irritant.

most definitely, jeeves

what an enjoyable week (with a few unenjoyable moments)

I was brought to toronto to check out the law school here, just to get a better feel for the school, the faculty and the other acceptees. It seemed amazing, and although the other admits seemed a tad awkward at times, the upper year students were amazing, so there is hope for law school kids.

The facilities are interesting, ranging from lectures around a dining room table to bunker style bathrooms. But, all of the badness of the facilities is mediated by the fact that Trinity College (woe is me!) is nearby and has a working fireplace around which you can study. As some of you may know, studying around a fireplace in a castle type building is actually all I wanted out of my university education.

Spent most of my time in toronto getting drunk, which was nice. I wandered down to Waterloo to visit some old friends on friday, went to a back to the future party, and they spent saturday cross country skiing. It was so gorgeous and surprisingly fun. If all goes well, I may be going again on Sunday, skiing through Manning Park.

Most of my friends are very anti-law school (with the exception of jon and colin, who are in law school) and none more so than some of the folk in Toronto. So, I was taken to the hospital to do a little shadowing with one of my doctor friends. It was amazing. Exciting, intellectual, collegial, and with research opportunities. I think I know what I want to do, but it is occasionally so tempting to follow other interesting paths. that said, medical school may be impossible due to a complete lack of MCAT testing sites. damn.

anyway, flying back to vancouver today, which should be its own slice of awesome.

as a precursor to posting the essay ....

my favorite song that involves star trek:

waste time?

Well, I must say that I really enjoyed this:



And this is still funny.



and this is what might happen to me:



flat beat

and they said it couldn't be done

So, in the mail today I found a large package addressed from NYU.

"Large package!," I exclaimed, "I know what that means."

and, indeed, I did. I am accepted into NYU School of Law, and all of the associated benefits of that. I don't know if I will go. I was also accepted to University of Toronto Law School so if I choose the law school route, it may be better to stay in Canada.

But what is exciting is that NYU is, by most rankings, is the 5th best law school in America (after Yale, Stanford, Harvard and Columbia) and I was accepted after having written an essay that talked about what a strong influence Star Trek had on my life.

Ain't that great? Star Trek to Law School. I am extremely pleased with myself right now.

all that is good

sun was out in force yesterday.

I stumbled out of my exam, looking desperate and bearded, disheveled and hungry. I expect the drearyness to bring me down, to crush heavily on me but rather I was greeted by a cloudless sky. It is the first cloudless sky I have seen in a long time. I searched for clouds. There were none. zero. cloudless.

So, i threw on my headphones, put on some agressive opera and went on an incredibly enjoyable bike ride.

back in van encore this weekend, if any of you want to meet up. It is my sis's b-day on saturday. wanna go drinking?

this article seemed appropriate.

and these seem like great ways to figure out what mainstream shows you just have to go to: iconcertcal and sonicliving.

whoops.

I recently received an email from a friend that I worked with in montreal who said:

Matt, congrats on the law school acceptance. Which school? (I think you'd be a good lawyer. Reason? You convinced me to start littering and it stuck with me for a WHOLE month. That's pretty impressive given my short attention span.)

That is pretty funny. I was just spouting off some ridiculous argument while bored at lunch (I also once brought a soft-core romance novel and read the sexy parts out-loud for the entire lunch ... I got very bored with some frequency), that one should litter because hiding litter is worse for the environment, and someone actually littered for a month.

boo ya.

you know what this does? it convinces me to continue to bullshit. possibly even bullshit more. think of the potential benefits ... for me ...

squids!

The giant squid, which until recently had not been observed alive in its adult form, is the largest invertebrate; although it is possible that the colossal squid is even larger.

who names these things?

Oh, oh! (an adventure in government, you fools!)

Hon. Stéphane Dion (Leader of the Opposition, Lib.):
No, Mr. Speaker, it was booked. Everything was booked and everything was cut--

Some hon. members: Oh, oh!

The Speaker:
Order. We must have a little order. The Prime Minister is not going to be able to hear the question. I think it is directed to him. We must have some order so we can hear the question and then get an answer. The hon. Leader of the Opposition has the floor. We will have some order, please.

Hon. Stéphane Dion:
Mr. Speaker, everything was booked. I know the Conservatives are very ashamed of what they are doing--

Some hon. members: Oh, oh!

The Speaker:
Order. We have to get on with the question. The hon. Leader of the Opposition will want to put the question.

Hon. Stéphane Dion:
Mr. Speaker, beyond these figures, does the Prime Minister not realize that he is hitting students, the homeless and adult literacy programs? Does he not realize he is hitting Canadians with these cuts he is trying to hide from them?

Right Hon. Stephen Harper (Prime Minister, CPC):
Mr. Speaker, he says they were booked. As for that $40 million missing in the sponsorship program, I am hoping that somebody over there will get booked as well.

These are things the Liberals promised the Canadian people for 13 years and never delivered.

[French]

Their record is an empty shell.

[English]

They are an empty shell. They have nothing to offer other than to promise the same things they failed to deliver before.

Hon. Lucienne Robillard (Westmount—Ville-Marie, Lib.):
Mr. Speaker, the minority government continues to display false transparency. First, the Conservatives cut $1 billion from programs for Canadians without ever assessing the effectiveness or pertinence of these cuts and without assessing the programs. Now they are making further cuts, which the government tried to slip under the radar in the recently tabled economic and financial update, without saying a word about it.

Can the Prime Minister tell us why he hid the truth from all Canadians?

Some hon. members: Oh, oh!

An hon. member: Calm down, you fools!

full circle

I don't want to parrot the thoughts of our friend on commercial, but the weekend was definitely excellent. I seem to be attached to vancouver, so I guess it is fortunate that I learned early how to read on moving vehicles.

Saw body worlds, which was absolutely amazing. I wanted to touch everything, to get inside the bodies, to move them and watch the muscles tense, to put food in and watch the process. I can see how this desire leads to dehumamization, and I was aware of a certain oddness in how I was treating people around me after the exhibit. I wonder how far the dehumanization can go. I worry a bit about this.

I sometimes think that my motivations are very misunderstood or, more likely, completely unknown. Why am I applying to law school and taking my med school pre-reqs?

There is a strong part of me that very much wants to divest myself of everything, move to the fringes of society, embrace the joy of intense simplicity. But I don't. I very much do not want to become part of rat-race. Certainly have no desire to spend my life trying to keep up. I am not especially fond of being judged (although I am fond of being told that I am great).

I have narrowed it down to 4 things: order, breakdown, ozymandius and logical extremes. I will expand on these later.

It seems that a good chunk of us recent, or soon to be, graduates are experiencing a bit of a life issue. Suddenly we have been thrust out of the educational womb and are realising that there is a real world. I have just been told that I have no idea what this is like, but I think that many forget that I did my real-life-learning pre-university. I didn't stamp mortgage papers and live with the Gypsies (two separate events) for naught. No, I was seeing what real life was like. When I let my acceptance to U of T lapse I was really in the real world. I assumed I would go back to school (but so do many of you), but it wasn't set in stone. I was wandering aimlessly too.

A huge issue for me is exploration. I don't believe in an afterlife, I don't believe in reincarnation. I think this is what we got. And so I feel like I must experience as much as possible of it. From this stems the order I spoke of. I want to work hard now, when I can, to get myself access to institutions that will soon be off limits. I could become a docter at 50, but it is would be difficult. But at 50 one can still kayak their way around the world. This doesn't mean that I don't want to kayak around the world now, because I do, but I won't if it precludes me doing things that I need to do to see the world from interesting places.

Of course, all of this thinking about motivation has made me value even more the power of experience, so I will be sure to take advantage of the beauty of nature. If any of you want to join me for a week long kayak trip up the coast of BC sometime this summer, I would totally be in.

Logical extreme is the fact that I do unto others. The system we have now, the reward system sure ain't great, but it is better than what we had before. Sure, it would be great if communism worked, but it doesn't. This was another point of the biological talk: Can society can convince everyone to be nice? Are our existences are made better by the establishments we construct? Anyway, I am not willing to have the establishment collapse at the moment, therefore I must continue to act within the establishment. It is only fair.

breakdown is perhaps the strongest reason I have for my actions. Science I studied to stop the breakdown, but there are better people than I for that job, people who are interested solely in research and not is socialising. Law I would do to work my way into government where I could bring about the change I wish to see. Doctors are needed, especially if things collapse.

ozymandius is what it is. I can't break easily out of the desire to do SOMETHING, regardless of how many nihilistic people tell me it doesn't matter. It also doesn't hurt, especially since my view of the THING is to decrease our footprint.

in conclusion, Chris Nohr.

in double conclusion, things are never what they seem, blogging is ridiculous, reasons are in flux, the outcomes seem to be the same, and things go full circle.

and now we know ...

The lungs before birth are completely collapsed, and so the
first breaths must inflate the lungs and open up the small
air sacs called alveoli, which are the actual site of oxygen
transfer to the blood. During the last trimester the fetus
starts secreting a fluid called surfactant into the alveoli.
The surfactant lowers the surface tension in the alveoli and
makes it easier to inflate them. Inadequate surfactant
production is one reason why premature infants often have a
much harder time breathing, and they may be given artificial
surfactant or cow surfactant to help them until their own
lungs start producing it. Premature infants also often have
another problem with breathing called apnea -- they
occasionally forget to breathe. For unclear reasons their
respiratory centers are not yet mature enough to control
consistent and continuous breathing.

I have been hanging out with too many babies. There were two at the potluck last night. Two whole babies. babies.

weeeeeee!

oh no!

christmas is over. school commences again tomorrow and I am suddenly feeling very tired, the stress of relaxation catching up to me.

the holiday was rounded out by a very nice trip to pender, with sam, tippi and kerria. we got drunk and watched simpsons and argued over board games and did some hiking. Tippi and I, after being ditched by the girls, went hiking along a small spit which turned out to be one of the most beautiful places I have ever been. It was a gorgeous forest surrounded by a rocky coast and the view was of the various gulf islands and the ferry terminal, which many may not find beautiful, but I love the ferries and watching them sail in just added to my perceived beauty.

On pender we ate like kings. My plan to cook more is working out wonderfully. I made artichoke, roasted garlic, spinach and zucchini pizza on the first night, then sam made stuffed peppers and crumble stuffed apples. Back in victoria, kerria and I made a meal with red broccoli and squash and peach crumble. I can't really afford to eat this well, but it is damn good. Although making crumble is pretty easy. Has anyone ever become sick of crumble?

Had a long talk about biology and realised that I really believed that biology informed all of our action, that society and its pressures stemmed solely from biological pressures and that we were powerless in the face of these pressures. After a somewhat stressful conversation, I am not so sure. I know that I harp on incessently about agency, and I certainly believe in agency, but a psuedo-agency, whereby one's biology forces one to make a certain decision while one believes themselves in control. This is not necessarily an urgent pressure - rather, it is a slow process, similar to waves breaking rocks into sand. One can make "socially conscious decisions" but ultimately the power of biology would win. This is what I thought, even if I hadn't fully fleshed it out. Anyway, I am going to try to flesh it out more, without pissing off the people who are willing to discuss it with me. The upshot of the argument, by the by - the main point of contension - was that men and women may think differently and do so not because of social pressures but because of biology.

The theory is admittedly convenient because it partially excuses socially inappropriate behavior.

watched Hotel Rwanda. gah. was angry at the western powers for withdrawing but couldn't figure out what an army would do in the face of genocidal hatred of a large population by another population. Large scale relocation? massive protection of a refugee camp? I haven't looked it up yet, but can someone provide an example of when an army was able to stifle genocide, when that army was not interested in being partisan or contributing to the death count. I also was a tad disappointed that the movie was so one-sided. I believe that the bloodshed was directed both ways, although I may be missing some of the subtleties.

gory gory glory

hey! Christmas is fun.

spent an extremely pleasent few days with my familiy being shunted between parental units but totally unstressed.

ate way too much, drank way too much.

Didn't play enough scrabble, although I did get a scrabble dictionary! anyone want to play? Pender maybe?

played with little kids including an adorable 3 year old who lives with my mom. the cutest little kid, with psuedo agency, and big eyes that you can't say no to. I haven't played or twirled so much in years. I refused before to make new years resolutions but I have one now ... to twirl more.

I also got the wickedest present, given to me even though I had asked for nothing: a digital camera. so excited, because I have been trying to convince myself for months (unsuccessfully) that I could afford one.

anyway, here is the first picture I liked:


now to try and become a happy photographer. weee!

sure. I'll party with you.

parties beckon, an all night rave in a place called blood alley somewhere in gastown, and my semi-drunk self cannot drive and this semi-young city doesn't provide transit at this semi-late hour.

all night dance parties are my favorite.

the last few days have been filled with joy and good conversation, the stimulation of old friends who have pursued diverse paths and want to share.

commercial drive in its slowly gentrifying glory. potlucks and sushi and jelly beans and galas and skinny dipping and mountain biking ... oh my.

it has been sensational. i don't want it to end.

i really must sober up. I hate to miss a good party. and marissa and andrea and elfred. I haven't really seen them yet. this is why I want to go. people I love who happen to love dancing. peas in a pod.

The bright brightness

Vancouver! Vancouver!

It is comfy here, but there is a distinct worry that this feeling comes directly from how relaxing it is. I have nothing to do. Exams ended 6 days ago and I have done nothing at all.

excellent.

A few nights ago, after spending the evening with Azim, Kater and Norah doing cryptic cross word puzzles, yelling at cryptic cross word puzzles, and somehow staying up to watch the entire Battlestar Galactica miniseries, I decided that I really wanted to walk back to Kerria's. So, at 4 in the morning, decked out in Azim's warm clothes, a glass of wine settling nicely in my belly and an ipod full of music, I set out.

The path took me across the bridge into downtown and then along the water into china town before depositing me on east pender, 15 long blocks away from commercial. The walk was somewhat as expected, beautiful and thought provoking across the bridge (metaphore for life), amusing and absurd along the water (penthouses and roof top gardens and impeccable lighting and boring aethetics and fast cars), and scary for the rest, full of shadowy figures and odd stumbling and averted gazes and strange body shapes.

Nothing happened, and 2 hours later I walked in, trying to be as unscary as possible. Certainly not making videos and sending them to kerria and her roomate.

A few days earlier, I had wandered down to the docks just after the sun had gone down and watched the activity from the bridge. It was fascinating, small trucks moving masive containers and sirens indicating that work was underway and it was bright and busy and beautiful. I didn't want to leave but it was cold and I was hungry.

But what did I get out of this? I wanted to walk for hours. I wanted to watch us take control. I think I expect too much. I expect there to be no mundane, for every moment to be impregnated with meaning. For the twitch of an eye to signal something more important. Where has this belief in the ubiquituousness of meaning come from? I am pretty sure it is a deeply rooted narcissism. damn it.

Moving on:

I think that my life is based solely on doing things I haven't done before, or at least doing whatever other people aren't at that moment. This, I doubt I need to tell you, makes lots of things difficult because there are plenty of people and they are all doing things. Two years of travelling before university? 6 years of university? I mean, I succumbed to university, but I am a terrible artist. I wasn't about to make it based on things I could make for others to enjoy. So, I needed some formal training, but I wasn't about to do it easily. Now what, a lawyer / doctor. There ain't many of those. So lame.

Anyway, I am trying to get better. I am trying to become less insular, which seems weird to say, because most people seem to look at me at some sort of incredibly social creature, but a comment was made that people know me ... I often don't know them.

So dinners at my house and more walks and less partying where no connection can be made. groups are bad news ... they make me crazy ... socially crazy, true, but different nonetheless.

That said, I also want more adventures and more spontenaity, just only with a few people: last night, for example, I came back to Azim's after a going to a party around the corner, to find Kate and Azim curled up on the couch. As I put my stuff down, ready for bed, kate mumbled something about a club downtown. of course, was my obvious reply, which she seemed shocked by, but invitation given she could not go back and so, at 1:30, we found ourselves walking across the bridge again on the way to the straight night at the gay bar. Danced for a bit, although I mainly looked shocked at the terrible music and then spazzed out and kate laughed at me. Back across the bridge where another random kate suggestion caused us to be swimming in the ocean at 4 AM.

I think there is a point to be made, somewhere in here. I just am not 100% sure what it is.

the beauty of study

The above is a crashing wave, the colour caused by a bloom of bioluminescent dinoflagellates in California. True, they make the water super toxic, but so beautiful.

And yes, this is part of my studying ... I needed to find out about the dinoflagellate life cycle:

Dinoflagellates have a peculiar form of nucleus, called a dinokaryon, in which the chromosomes are attached to the nuclear membrane. These lack histones and remained condensed throughout interphase rather than just during mitosis, which is closed and involves a unique external spindle. This sort of nucleus was once considered to be an intermediate between the nucleoid region of prokaryotes and the true nuclei of eukaryotes, and so were termed mesokaryotic, but now are considered advanced rather than primitive traits.

finally, I can eat the entire bag of chips.

a paper from harvard discussing small molecules that allow the simulation of a caloric restricted diet (which I have vainly tried to implement). actual paper. I don't think this is necessarily a weight loss tool, but rather something that will make your body believe that you are eating less and thereby slow down various metabolic processes (including food uptake). I think. It might just slow down food uptake in the intestine, which was previously done by simply cutting out most of the intestine. eww. anyway, I am procrastinating, not researching so don't blame me. If you know, let the world know.

oh, and it is in red wine, although:

Resveratrol is found in the skin of red grapes and as a constituent of red wine but apparently not in sufficient amounts to explain the “French paradox” that the incidence of coronary heart disease is relatively low in southern France despite high dietary intake of saturated fats.

ps: video, 3 posts down.

Hermes Trismigestus

This guy was my favorite teacher even before I saw this.

The humour there, admittedly somewhat derivative, is exactly how he acts in all his classes. He seems too smart to function normally, but accepts it with grace and humour. Some people are bored by him, but I don't stop chuckling softly the whole class. It is great.

WATCH THE VIDEO! (2 posts down now) I love that dance, but have become a post-whore. So, I will remind you all to watch the video in subsequent posts until I tire of it, just so that it does not get lost in the ether.